“Sharing My Life”

Five minutes prior to writing this, I had a conversation with Lexie about our feelings on ‘sharing my life’ over the internet. She’s starting her own blog for requirement’s sake and the topic just seemed to be an appropriate jump off point to my entry today. But before I go on talking about me, myself, and my awful day, I’ll probably say yes to that question — although I can be quite selective just as I am going to be now.

As much as I would want to put in here every single detail of my bad afternoon, I won’t. And just as much as my emotions are dying to escape from myself, I won’t let them out. Outspoken as I may seem like, when conflicts are too heavy, I tend to shut up. I disappear from fear of not being able to stop myself once I get to proving my point and defending my beliefs.

If this was me talking two years ago, you’d hear me go on and on about my thoughts on the matter. But this is me now. The Kara typing in front of her laptop screen chooses to be silent, chooses not to create any trouble — she chooses the road often traveled — she chooses to brave life’s unfair whiplash without taking action whatsoever.

To be completely honest, this has bothered me for the past four hours already. I’ve had voices inside my head telling me to speak up but to no avail. I said to myself, no no no, and I’m planning to stand by my decision. I don’t know what it is inside me but it confuses me so much that I want to hop on to the next portal straight back to the South. I need comfort and a familiar place. And yes, I mean my home.

This then brings me to one of the questions I’ve asked myself over and over again, “Kara, kung kelan ka naging 18, dun ka natutong makisama even if it means sacrificing yourself.”

Cutting the looooong narrative of ramblings short, I just feel bad. I’m not even furious nor angry. Its really just me feeling really bad, really, really, bad. Period.

Yes, the entry has been showered with ‘just-s’ and ‘really-s’ but trust me, there’s no other way to say what I feel. This space on the web restricts me too much — I restrict me too much.

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In other news, Lexie just showed me a photo on Tumblr. This makes me happy because its the top I wore today. God loves me so much He just had to send me happy pills over the internet!

The girl's skinnier than me though! (Well, duh)

Who Breaks a Butterfly On a Wheel?

–from Alexander Pope’s Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot

In the Middle of a Drought

Although it has been pouring over Manila the last couple of days, my words seem to have stopped right when I ended my previous post. After eight long days of trying to muster up a decent blog entry to fill in this space, I can’t seem to compose a post-worthy paragraph.

“Just write,” I said to myself, “no excuses.”

So today, on this gloomy Tuesday afternoon, I finally decide to go for it. So whatever will come up in the next few lines, please cut me a little slack. (Even my tweets seem to have lacked life lately.)

I’m currently in bed with a bag of caramel puffs by my side, my laptop conveniently sitting on top of me, and a bunch on pillows embracing my PMS-ing self. I haven’t been checking my phone even though I know for a fact that an important message might be there just because I don’t feel like it. My aching back is killing me and an SMS that will make me think is the last thing I want in my life right now. Although I know I’m going to regret this all later tonight.

The next days, however, are quite a few I’m looking forward to. Hopefully, I get to see my bestfriend whom I feel like I haven’t caught up with in ages (Lexie just flew in from Singapore last night), attend our July storycon on Thursday, and go out of town with the family this coming weekend to celebrate my brother’s coming of age (he turned 13 last week). But, I don’t want to hype myself up since the only thing certain in this list is Thursday — the rest have a huge percentage of getting postponed again.

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I’ve drafted and drafted and drafted, but I really seem to be stuck in a rut. I’m posting this unfinished post to remind me someday of how I am when writer’s block hits me. Let’s just hope this doesn’t happen when I need words the most.

I’ve Seen This Before

This is probably the nth time I’ve attempted to create a space for me on the web. Having had countless accounts that have been used, misused, and eventually deleted, I honestly do not know if I’m headed for the same old routine.

Pessimism aside, I am filled with much excitement of what might come out of my creativity in the next few months. My spontaneity, although often times mistaken for indecisiveness, always bring out a side of Kara I barely know of. And with this, I do hope I deliver as well as my expectations go.