Five minutes prior to writing this, I had a conversation with Lexie about our feelings on ‘sharing my life’ over the internet. She’s starting her own blog for requirement’s sake and the topic just seemed to be an appropriate jump off point to my entry today. But before I go on talking about me, myself, and my awful day, I’ll probably say yes to that question — although I can be quite selective just as I am going to be now.
As much as I would want to put in here every single detail of my bad afternoon, I won’t. And just as much as my emotions are dying to escape from myself, I won’t let them out. Outspoken as I may seem like, when conflicts are too heavy, I tend to shut up. I disappear from fear of not being able to stop myself once I get to proving my point and defending my beliefs.
If this was me talking two years ago, you’d hear me go on and on about my thoughts on the matter. But this is me now. The Kara typing in front of her laptop screen chooses to be silent, chooses not to create any trouble — she chooses the road often traveled — she chooses to brave life’s unfair whiplash without taking action whatsoever.
To be completely honest, this has bothered me for the past four hours already. I’ve had voices inside my head telling me to speak up but to no avail. I said to myself, no no no, and I’m planning to stand by my decision. I don’t know what it is inside me but it confuses me so much that I want to hop on to the next portal straight back to the South. I need comfort and a familiar place. And yes, I mean my home.
This then brings me to one of the questions I’ve asked myself over and over again, “Kara, kung kelan ka naging 18, dun ka natutong makisama even if it means sacrificing yourself.”
Cutting the looooong narrative of ramblings short, I just feel bad. I’m not even furious nor angry. Its really just me feeling really bad, really, really, bad. Period.
Yes, the entry has been showered with ‘just-s’ and ‘really-s’ but trust me, there’s no other way to say what I feel. This space on the web restricts me too much — I restrict me too much.
In other news, Lexie just showed me a photo on Tumblr. This makes me happy because its the top I wore today. God loves me so much He just had to send me happy pills over the internet!