What now?

screen-shot-2016-09-25-at-12-24-14-pm
A screencap of the very first entry I wrote on this site. 

I spent my Sunday looking through all 120 entries on this WordPress account and realized how different “blogging” was 6 years ago. I kept this website on private for a good half the time it was up but for some reason found a little nudge to put this back on the map today. What I’ll put in it (if ever I do put anything in it at all), who knows? But it sure feels nice to be back ~home, back in this space, back in the realm of confessional writer Kara.

Deleted a few of the more embarrassing entries, too (read: pretentious reviews and #OOTDs–que horror!), yet decided to keep the overly emotional ones just to remind myself of where I started… In Room 3D, with a dying HP laptop, a tolerant best friend, and a then-broken heart. 

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Anyone there?

I want to get back into the blogging habit (not that I was ever consistent) soon. With my new job, I feel like if I don’t start writing somewhere, anywhere– I might lose my touch.

Here’s to hoping I finally find what I want this blog to be.

2012: The year I’d like to remember forever

“In a couple of hours, three to be exact, I will welcome 2012 with open arms and a will to let go. I will work extra hard into making this a possibility: no more hurts, no more stress — just a brand new me that I seek to find here, in the other side of the world. Since academics, work, and a few personal things were a difficult juggling act to balance this year, I will do my best to devote time to recharging and moving forward.

Resolutions are not for me, as I struggle to keep up with them in the first place. What I’m promising myself for 2012, though, is that I’m 100% committed to establishing a better foundation for my future—one that is not to be shaken and one that is driven by faith and by hope. Hopefully, love comes along, too—but until then, I’m quite happy with how things have and will turn out. All for the best, as they say. Hello, 2012!”

The excerpt above was from my last entry exactly this day last year. I wrote it in San Francisco (where I spent half of 2012) with a sense of helpless pleading–pleading for the year to be nothing but the best. After a taxing and emotionally challenging 2011, I did not think I would make it if I were to be thrown into another battle much like was it was. In a sense, one might say that I have given up, lost my fighting spirit. But to me, however, it was more of a submission to fate. I was done fighting. I did not want to fight anything in the coming year.

So I decided that this would be my outlook for 2012: accept, accept, accept, and everything will follow. It did.  Continue reading “2012: The year I’d like to remember forever”

Thursday truths

Philosophy this semester hasn’t really moved me this much until today. While discussing Murdoch’s The Bell, I was faced with something I’ve tried to articulate these past few months.

“To know clearly what you surrender, what you gain, and to have no regrets; to revisit without envy the scenes of a surrendered joy, and to taste it ephemerally once more, with a delight undimmed by the knowledge that it is momentary, that is happiness, that surely is freedom.”

This is where I am at the moment. Constantly searching for the missing piece that will finally shut these feelings out for good. I just want to be able to start thinking clearly again, without any worry or regret. I want a clean slate and I’m more than willing to do whatever it takes.

I’ve crossed out factors one by one. I begun with freeing myself from unspoken words. I was honest; and like what Murdoch mentioned, I had no regrets. I knew that it lasted for as long as we were there and accepted the fact that after that, it would all disappear. It was fleeting but nonetheless worth every inch of courage I consumed. True enough, I felt the freedom that came with being brave–and, with step one, I’m slowly gaining back the feeling of liberty I once lost.

For two weeks now, I’ve started another phase in my life that I hope will lead me closer to my goal. Since I cannot control the things that happen around me–academics, org work, stress, personal problems, relationships (or the lack, thereof), etc.–I’ve decided that there was still one thing I could dictate: the physical. Having no grasp as to where I’m taken mentally or emotionally, sticking to a strict diet and engaging myself in training is the only thing I feel I can get a hold of.

I’m doing this to gain back the confidence I lost last year. As pathetic as this may sound, the consequences of a bad relationship can still be felt even after over a year. With what I’m doing now, I believe that I can prove to myself that I do have the willpower to accomplish everything I set my mind into doing, as long as I do not lose my focus. This switch to a healthy lifestyle will (I hope) redirect me to getting myself back on track in all things. The discipline I will gain and the confidence that will come with this venture is something I’m looking forward to attain. I’m generally okay and happy, yes. But I want more.

I want to become a better person–a more complete one at that–and taste the sweet victory of facing one’s fears.

No more running away this time. It’s time I faced reality.

 

North

Cross-posted from Everyday Reveries.

Exactly a week after my big leap, I found myself walking through the same uneven ground last night while on my way to hitch with a friend.

I saw the same spot—those lights which were exactly parallel to where we stood, that tree, that building I could see in my periphery. Everything was in place, myself included, but you weren’t there.

I guess that’s how things are supposed to work out. Me, finally freeing myself of the baggage that came with wanting you to be okay and you, finally needing to hear those words from someone, anyone, just so you could begin to see how much credit you aren’t giving yourself.

We don’t have to be together and I’ve told you this before. I don’t even have to exist in your universe because I know you can make do without me. During those times when you didn’t want to be found, I tried and tried to look for you but to no avail. I think I was reading it wrong, maybe you really didn’t want to be found by me. Maybe, I just wasn’t enough.

Nonetheless, I thank you for making me feel like people are still worth saving. That gives me a bit of hope knowing that maybe someday, someone will see me the way I see you. That someday, I will find my savior as well.

I’m pretty sure you’ll never get to read this, but when you do, I hope that you remember everything I told you that night. Remember that you will always be worth it.

Bottom line? Even though I know that I will never feel the same way about that parking lot again, I know that something in me’s changed. I’m finally pushed to working on this relationship I have with myself so that when my time comes, when whoever comes—

I’ll be ready.