Soup, stories, and sobs in between

Ending the stressful week I’ve had could not have been any more perfect than spending time with my closest girlfriends. Albeit having one of our always-spontaneous-dates-turned-sleepover-sessions back home just a few weeks ago, we can never really have too much time spent together especially now that we come from different universities. We missed Cuna that night because, unlike the four of us, she’s still based in the South but nonetheless, last night was one of the nicest and most heart-warming memories I’ll ever have with the barkada.

In the middle of my Shrimp and Asparagus pasta, I broke into a 2-minute waterworks session. I wish I could blame Tomato Kick’s smoky air for irritating my tear ducts, but this just came from the inside. What caused this sudden shift in emotion was my earlier encounter with an email from the past at work yesterday, triggered by something brought up during our casual conversation over cheesy Onion Soup. Whether or not it was the food or the good timing and presence of my friends (or both), I am glad to have let out that ounce of pressure I was trying to suppress.

Things have been going easy for me in terms of my emotional state. I’ve learned to accept things the way they are and have (although not completely) found answers to the questions I’ve been dying to know. A few weeks ago, I received texts and a phone call that I didn’t actually welcome with open arms but learned to appreciate in the end. Even though the situations played themselves out in a way that I least expected them to, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Three things I learned 1) life can indeed be like the movies, 2) I’ve made all the right decisions in choosing myself, and 3) closure can happen even if words are not there. Forgive me for the cryptic paragraph (I also wish I could write more in this blog about things other than my feelings, to be honest), but that turning point in my attempts of finding the right way has been the best yet.

Maginhawa served as a place of comfort for me, literally. Last night’s endless conversations about life and love taught me that although we may think we’ve screwed up and wasted so much time on something we care so much about, the truth of the matter is that we’re young and entitled to make those little trips and falls. I used to think that I knew everything before, but quite frankly, one’s only as good as who s/he was the morning after. Everyday is an opportunity to love and be loved, to create something beautiful, and to experience life with nothing holding you back.

As all your dashboards, news feeds and timelines have recently suggested, Katy Perry’s newest video seems to have been the talk of the town. A lot of people were probably able to identify themselves with the video and we, of course, were not the exception. However, it’s not so much of seeing myself in her shoes (although the car accident allusion at the end gave it a nice touch) but realizing that when I do find the one, I shouldn’t make the same mistakes again.

Coming from a long-term relationship that has ended half a year ago, I realized that I still am not in the point of having someone to call “the one that got away”. When you’re young — 15, 16, 17, 18, and even at 19 — you will always think you’ve found the one. Guilty as charged, I felt like I’ve planned my whole life out and have escalated the sacrifices I made and words I said in order to make things work out the way I wanted them to be. I built a dream for the both of us, but it is only now I have realized that dreams are built together and not alone…and I couldn’t be the only one trying to make our fairytale come true.

In the end, even after all the pain and that tiny tinge of hurt that will forever linger in my heart, love made it clear to me and to us, that it is by choice and not chance that relationships work out until the end. During the last few spoonfuls of Onion Soup and crumbs left from our TK Nachos, we’ve come to a consensus that love is learned — it will find us without a manual and we must learn how to survive it on our own. Fairytales and happy ever afters still do exist if we want them to, and as for our case, we’ve high hopes of having our fair share of the loot in the future.

In my case, I’m still trying to slowly put myself back together and am doing a pretty good job at it, actually. I’ve finally (yes, finally!) mastered the art of keeping my head forward and stopping myself from looking back. What doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger and I’m proud to say that since that eventful weekend, I’ve managed to rid myself of all the negativity and unnecessary stress. I get by with the help of those I love and am eternally grateful for where I am now. Gone are the days of toxic nostalgia and playing Nancy Drew on the internet because really, there’s nothing I’ll get out of it but an emptiness that’s so difficult to forget.

I still think of the what-could’ve-beens every now and then, but its normal to keep a special place in your heart for someone you really loved. It has been four beautiful years of learning and growing up, and although the anger and betrayal I’ve felt since Day 1 won’t disappear with the blink of an eye, I will always remember him as the one who taught me that I’m capable of loving more than I ever imagined I could. And, that because of this seemingly tragic chapter of my life that I have once and for all closed, I have discovered that I have a whole life ahead of me and deserve so much more.

I don’t know if my next statement is pushing my ‘moving on’ ego boost a little too far, but maybe, just maybe, I’m the one that got away.

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