Sunken Garden

I tried to bring you up in a conversation today.

Me to my friend from Diliman: “Ah sa UP ka? I used to go to the Sunken Garden before eh —Β back when I had someone to go and watch the sunset with.”

I don’t know if that’s a good sign of finally moving on (I highly doubt it, though) but what I’m certain about is that it definitely tugged my heart, at the very least. As all of you (well 10 of you perhaps) who read my blog know, I have been in a tough battle with my heart since late May. And, although 5 months have already passed, it seems like the worst part of the pain is just about to come. I’m dealing with my emotions now, but I honestly can’t get a good grip of it even though I try.

I’m lucky enough to have finals week, The GUIDON EvSem in Subic, work and the ACOMM Mid-year PlevSem in Laguna to keep me on my toes and distract me from thoughts of you. Although somehow, even with the efforts I exert in putting you at the back of my head, countless opportunities linked to even the slightest memory of you cough themselves out of nowhere. It’s frustrating and quite frankly, I’m already so tired.

A good friend of mine shared a beautiful poem to me last weekend while we were out-of-town and our favorite line goes something like this: “I wanna be your ex-boyfriend’s stuntman. I will take the risks he was afraid to make, and that includes trusting you.”

After that, it hit me. I wasn’t not over you, because I am. What I’m not over is the fact that you gave up on trusting that we could work and turned to someone else for your reprieve.

Sana binigyan mo ako ng pagkakataong ayusin tayo. Hindi ‘yung hinayaan mo nalang akong magsawa at sumuko dahil wala kang lakas sabihin sa akin na ako nalang pala yung natitirang nagmamahal sayo.

I hope one day I wake up and stop playing Adele and Maroon 5. I hope this lingering pain ends soon.

My dear stuntman, where are you?

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5 thoughts on “Sunken Garden

  1. I’m not sure if you know me, maybe you’ve seen me around or maybe you’ve seen me on Facebook or some social networking site, but what I am sure of is that I’ve felt this way before. I want you to know that it WILL end soon, and that it won’t take too long. I’m glad you have a lot of stuff to keep you busy, and I’m glad that you are over him. Just keep on focusing on things that help you grow as a person. Prioritize yourself always, and seek the things that make your heart go WOAH. πŸ˜€

    What I am praying for is for you to trust God with the wounds of your heart and let Him heal you. Time won’t heal your wounds; it has to be something more infinite and eternal than that. I’m not really your friend, but I assure you that I’m not your enemy. I don’t know if what I’m saying would help you, but it’s worth a shot.

    This may sound so “religious-y”, but I think all you have to do is to look up to find your stuntman. πŸ™‚

  2. I only saw your entry now! You know what’s funny? I had the same realization. He didn’t believe in me, us, and I guess I’m not used to people not believing in me. Does that make sense? Anyways miss you kara! I hope you’re enjoying India. πŸ™‚

    1. You make sense — my sentiments exactly. Maybe its because we’re both so used to people pushing us to strive harder (ergo where we are now) and it just sucks to feel like someone’s given up when all you do is fight. Love you Rica! Miss you too :*

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