This is probably my nth post on my ramblings about how I feel now that I’m in a phase that’s supposedly a woman’s ‘coming-of-age’. I may seem like a narcissistic writer who has nothing else to talk about but her innermost struggles and I apologize for finding it so hard to write about other things that are of interest to most of you.
I can’t quite pinpoint why, but somehow I always go back to rethinking about who I am and if this is who I should be at 19. Bluntly speaking, I feel like I’ve missed out on that phase of being a ‘careless teenager’. Not that I think its wrong — it is a phase for a reason — but I just can’t seem to grasp why one goes through it anyway. While this year is my third year in the Ateneo, I still haven’t done anything too juvenile to make up for a wild Friday night tale. Like I’ve said time and time before,
“I am not a party-alcohol-2am virgin, but neither have I been a party-alcohol-2am regular. It’s always just me and a little past midnight, being the I’ll-head-out-early-goody-two-miss-no-alcohol shoes I expect myself to be and the daughter my parents have raised me to become for the past 18 years.” [LINK]
Maybe I still have trouble accepting that innocence only lasts but for a time. That my being a child is now a long gone period — all these I know of, but I feel like I have somehow managed to skip being people my age. I do not know if I do regret it, but a part of me knows that I’m here by choice. There are just so many things I want to accomplish in life that my focus is just really building up my future. And with my expectations not being fulfilled at the time, there’s just no room for fooling around.
Don’t get me wrong — no, I haven’t lost life altogether. I’m still living it the way I want to, filled with more and more laughter each morning that greets me. I am enjoying every single bit of work, academics and doses of stress here and there all too well without any (well, maybe a little) complaints whatsoever. I’m a happy bee, I tell you — I just am unsure why I feel alienated from my generation.
The photo above was taken the day I was born — I put it up now to remind me that although I feel like I haven’t reached my star, I started as a helpless child who is now very much on her way…and getting there.