Expectations & 19-eality

“You are hardly ever positive when it comes to your birthdays.”

-April Lamentillo (2011)

I’m turning 19 in 14 hours, writing on a blog that’s been idle for months, hating (well, not really) a friend who’s about to watch the The Script concert next week and dying to let out all the emotions I’ve been through the past semester. There were some days in 2011 that pushed me into quitting, but I’m glad I stuck it out. Cryptic as I may sound like, believe me when I say that it would take me years to write what I really want to say. For now, at least, let me bore you with the ubiquitous Kara-is-talking-to-herself-again kind of thing. Feel free to exit this window because I definitely know I would.

One of the lingering questions in my head has always been ‘What have you done this year?’ I hate thinking about the fact that I may have wasted an entire year of growing up not doing the things I needed to, holding back on the goals I should have accomplished at that age. But with humble confidence (if there is such thing), I am certain about my 18th year — finally, I have surpassed my expectations of myself and went a little over above the line to top it all off.

My academics were a constant struggle come my sophomore year’s second semester. There stood my major subjects, Advertising and PR, which took up most of my time but allowed me to explore my abilities and build stronger friendships, SA with Dr. Abad, which changed my life completely, Spanish 1, which gave me a reason to get up every week, and of course, History, which was the death of me and my QPI. Needless to say, I have no idea where I drew my strength from to reach the end of this all. All I know is that the energy that I did manage to muster up was .02 short of securing me a spot on the Dean’s List.Β Thankfully, though, my org work sufficiently covered up for my lack of academic pride. Although I’d love to go on about the details of my ever-growing love for both The GUIDON and ACOMM, that’s a completely different story to tell.

Overworked as my brain looks like, my heart and body are at a loss, too. A day before my make-or-break final exam for History, my stomach gave up on me and threw a bitch-fit by suddenly being cranky and hyper-acidic. It lasted for more than a week that even after I went to CamSur, it still didn’t treat me very well. As for my heart — well, my heart, let’s say “longs”. There’s an emptiness inside me that leaves me with only the academic load of La Salle to blame and nothing more. I hate what its done to my boyfriend and if I lose him to all the animo, I don’t know what kind of bomb I’d turn into. It frustrates me a lot when I’m forced to use the 4-year-relationship card — because sometimes, the time you used to spend together is not enough to compensate for the lost time you’re supposed to spend now.

It is in this light that I do not look forward to my birthday tomorrow. I knew better when I thought I’d actually want to celebrate my birthday again after last year’s dinner. True enough, I’m back to my sulky self who never really wants fussing about her birthday. I turn a year older, now what? I thought I saw the point of commemorating a year of existence after I got back from the States last year. As usual, I thought wrong. There is no point — and there will never be.

Everyday, as cliche as I am going to sound yet again, must be enough to drive you to celebrate life. Looking back on my 18th year, although I bit off more than I could chew, I still wished that I did more. Maybe this also boils down to my nature of wanting to do so much even if it was beyond my control. Whether it be a good or bad thing, it seems to be making a good impact in my life. I’m just afraid that one day, I might break down into all those little pieces that are so hard to mend.

***

There is one thing I am most thankful for, actually. But I’m not so sure if I’m ready to tell the world about it just yet.

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4 thoughts on “Expectations & 19-eality

  1. Honestly, I read every word you wrote and I do miss reading Kara Santiago works! I think I even miss it more than I miss you! :)) Kidding!

    There’s always something in your manner of writing which entertains me and at the same time those words become a poignant reminder of who you are growing up! I won’t turn this into a dramatic I was Kara’s friend since 5th grade and I saw you growing up, falling in love , out of love and then totally truly in love again! So instead, I’ll commend you for a job well done! You’re probably the only person I know who sticks true to her HS principles and beliefs and I am at awe!

    Oh and trust me, You are more than the person you think you are! (wink)

    We’ll make up for The Script! Maybe when Gaga returns in June or something! I still have a good feeling about it though! Looove you!

  2. April, always remember that who I am today will always have reasons that are because of you. No words to express what I’m feeling right now! :’) Naiiyak na ako. Love you SF! You’re always the super-est friend I will ever have.

  3. You are more than you think, Kara. I’ve seen you grow into the beautiful person you are, inside and out. Don’t bother guessing if I’m from Manresa or the Ateneo. What’s important is for you to accept what you already know. You said so yourself, “finally, I have surpassed my expectations of myself and went a little over above the line to top it all of.” For that, be proud. You need not wish you could have done more. Although it is better than having no ambitions in life, sometimes you have to slow down and take in what you have actually already achieved. This is the only way you would be able to see what your friends see in you — an extraordinary person. There are people seeking probation for not getting a cumulative QPI of 1.80, you got a 3.33. As for your contributions in your different organizations, only half of the student population has done the same. See what I mean?

    For your heart, just feed it with the reasons you are with this person. I know time together is important for a relationship to be a happy one, but you have to realize the wait will be all worth it. Maybe this is just a view from a hopeless romantic, but think about it without using the four-year-relationship card.

    Finally, I hope your stomach is doing well digesting home-cooked food for the summer break. As my birthday present to you, try Vargas Kitchen’s Chocolate Icebox Cake. Because I am broke, you can buy it from the second floor of South Supermarket. πŸ™‚

    With this post, you have taught me an important lesson: everyday is enough to celebrate life. Whether you like it or not, I am greeting you a happy birthday. You may see your brain, body, and heart at a loss, but I see them growing stronger. April is right, you uphold Manresa’s priniples and beliefs. I am proud of you.

    1. Edit: I stand corrected! I guessed wrong 😦 Who are you mystery friend? I’m so touched by what you said and I want to talk to you personally to thank you! :*

      ***

      It’s 3am and you have made me cry. I shall text you in the morning for I think I know who you are. There’s only one dear friend I have who loves baked goodies and has a way with words. I love you. :’)

      You gave me just what I needed to face being 19. Thanks for the inspiration and the push — I needed that to keep going. :’)

      (P.S. – You computed my QPI without me giving it away — you’re good with math AND are grade conscious. I think I’ve really hit the jackpot, girl. Texting you now!)

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